Still Holding On
by otownsangel
Summary: Set about three years after the ‘Angel’ finale. Buffy finally finds out that Spike is alive, but can’t handle the fact that he kept it from her, so she runs. Both do their best to move on, but they find that it’s not as easy as it seems…
1. Prologue

_Disclaimer:_ I own nothing…  
  
_Summary:_ Set about three years after the 'Angel' finale. Buffy finally finds out that Spike is alive, but can't handle the fact that he kept it from her, so she runs. Both do their best to move on, but they find that it's not as easy as it seems…  
  
_Rating:_ R  
  
_Author's Notes:_ I know I've been gone forever, and to those of you who have been asking about 'Concrete Angel', I swear I'm working on it. I've been having some crazy computer problems, and then there's dorm shopping and preparing for college… It's just been hectic. But yes, I am working on it. And as for this story, I know this chapter's short, but trust me, the next one will be much longer…  
  
_Distribution:_ If ya want it, take it, just give me credit… And, if ya could, let me know where it's going.

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_**Prologue:**_

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"So that's it then?" The question was filled with pain; his voice fearful of her answer.  
  
Buffy couldn't turn; couldn't look at him. If she did, she wouldn't be able to walk out. Not again… But she had to. There was no other way to go in this situation, and she wouldn't turn back now.  
  
"Yes." she told him quietly, tears flooding her eyes.  
  
"Buffy…" Spike murmured gently, moving behind her to rest a hand on her shoulder, urging her to turn to him. "I can't do this without you."  
  
Finally giving in and turning to him, she saw the pain he was feeling reflected back at her from his beautiful blue eyes, which were now brimming with unshed tears. "You're going to have to." she told him with conviction. "I meant what I said in the hellmouth that day, but I can't be with you knowing that you didn't have the decency to make a phone call and let me know that you were alive… Do you have any idea how much that hurts?"  
  
"Buffy, I'm sorry… I don't know what else I can say…"  
  
"There's nothing you can say, Spike!" she argued, her tears suddenly beginning to slip down her cheeks. Pausing for a moment, she took a deep breath, then met his eyes. "Do you remember the summer after I died?"  
  
Realization struck him suddenly, and his eyes moved from hers as he did everything he could to keep the tears at bay. She was right… completely. He knew the pain she had had to endure when she'd thought he was dead, because he had felt the same when he had lost her.  
  
"You know exactly how it feels to hurt so bad that you don't want to wake up in the morning. You know exactly how it feels to lose the one person in the world that you love more than your own life… You know. And still, you let me suffer for nearly a year, when I didn't have to… How could you do that to me?"  
  
The pain in her eyes and the tears streaking down her cheeks broke him, and he let his own tears begin to fall slowly. "You're right." he muttered softly, his voice cracking with pain. "I'm so sorry, Buffy…"  
  
"Goodbye, Spike." she told him gently, pressing one final, soft kiss to his lips before walking out the door and out of his life for good.  
  
Once the door was shut behind her, she heard one last, murmured 'I love you' from Spike and it nearly made her turn around and walk back into his arms. But she couldn't… So instead she turned away; her mind screaming '_I love you, too…

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	2. Chapter 1: Lover After Me

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Disclaimer: _I own nothing…

Summary: Set about three years after the 'Angel' finale. Buffy finally finds out that Spike is alive, but can't handle the fact that he kept it from her, so she runs. Both do their best to move on, but they find that it's not as easy as it seems…

Rating: R

Author's Notes: Just to warn everybody, this story does deal with a Buffy/Faith relationship… Hopefully, that won't discourage any of you from reading it…

Distribution: If ya want it, take it, just give me credit… And, if ya could, let me know where it's going.

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Chapter 1: Lover After Me

With a sharp gasp, Buffy jerked up in bed; the memories bringing tears to her eyes. It had been almost three years since she'd left him, and the memory only got stronger with time. Sometimes she found herself wondering whether she had done the right thing… And Dawn certainly hadn't agreed with her. She'd said it had been selfish and cruel. That eventually Buffy would regret her decision, but by that time it would be too late… And at times she did regret it. Probably always would…

"Buffy, honey, what's wrong?"

The gentle voice broke into her thoughts and she smiled softly as she turned to look at the beautiful brunette who lay beside her. "I'm alright, Faith." she assured her lover as she settled back in beside the younger Slayer. "Just a bad dream."

"You alright now, baby?" Faith question softly as she moved to wrap her arms around her blonde lover.

When Buffy felt Faith's arms around her, she tensed noticeably, and then immediately winced. She had done it again. Every time she dreamt about Spike, she would shy away from Faith whenever she attempted to offer any form of physical comfort. And each time, it tore Faith up inside, and that killed Buffy. She hated to hurt Faith, and yet each and every time, she did…

"Right." Faith muttered resentfully, pulling away from Buffy and throwing the covers off of herself as she climbed out of bed.

"Faith, baby, I'm sorry…" Buffy apologized, her voice pleading as she got out of bed and moved towards the brunette. "Honey, where are you going?" she questioned as she watched Faith throw on one of her too tight t-shirts and a pair of blue jeans. "Faith, stop this. It's the middle of the night."

"No offense, B, but I really need to go blow off some steam." Faith threw back bitterly, turning and moving toward the door.

"Faith, I'm sorry!" Buffy cried out, taking a couple of steps closer to Faith, whose hand was now on the doorknob.

Shaking her head, Faith slowly turned back toward Buffy. "You just don't get it, do you?! Buffy, I love you, but I don't particularly enjoy taking a backseat to some guy _you_ dumped almost three years ago!"

"I know that, baby." Buffy told her soothingly, her voice taking on an almost sensualtone as she moved closer to her lover. Trailing her fingers gently up Faith's sides, she smiled seductively. "Promise I'll make it up to you…"

For a moment, Faith fell for it and moved farther into Buffy's embrace. And when Buffy's lips met hers, she nearly lost her train of thought completely. But when the blonde pulled away slightly and moved her hand to rest gently against Faith's cheek as she whispered a soft, 'I'm sorry', Faith suddenly remembered exactly why she was angry.

Pulling away almost violently, Faith turned on Buffy, eyes flaring with anger. "I'm sorry!" she mocked harshly, crossing her arms over her chest defensively. "You keep saying that, Buffy! Every single night this happens, and every single night you say sorry! It's getting kinda old!"

"Faith, would you please just calm down." Buffy begged, her eyes welling with tears. This certainly wasn't good. Faith had never been this angry with her… At least not since they'd gotten together…

Taking a deep breath, Faith blinked back her tears and bit her lip in thought. When she looked up at Buffy, she sighed deeply . "You're right." she told Buffy calmly, seatingherself on the end of the bed. "I'm calm, okay… but I really think we need to have a serious talk about this, Buffy."

"I know we do." Buffy agreed softly, sitting down next to the brunette. "And it's long overdue, it's just… I don't know what to say…"

"Honey, I love you. I have for a long time now, but I can't do this anymore."

"Faith, I--"

"Do you still love him?" Faith cut her off softly. When Buffy paused for a moment to think about it, Faith shook her head and placed a gentle hand on the blond Slayer's, entwining their fingers. "Baby, don't think about it. Just tell me how you feel…"

With a sigh, Buffy glanced down at their joined hands. "Yes. Yes, I still love him." she looked back up, locking eyes with Faith, her tears threatening to fall at any moment. "But that doesn't mean I don't love you, Faith. Because I do love you… so much…"

"I never doubted that." Faith assured her with a small smile, as she squeezed Buffy's hand gently. "But I think you need to find a way to work this whole thing out and decide what you really want. I can't do this anymore, Buffy. I love you… but I can't live like this. I can't stay with you and constantly wonder what would happen if he were to come back."

Fear filled Buffy's eyes at Faith's last comment, and a single tear slipped down her cheek. "Are you saying you're leaving me?"

"Oh, Buffy… God, no. Baby, that's not what I meant." Gently, Faith wiped away Buffy's tear and let her hand rest on her lover's cheek. After a moment, seeing Buffy's uncertainty grow, Faith took the blond into her arms and held her close, stroking her hair soothingly. "I swear to you I won't leave. I just want you to sort this out. I promise I'll be right here by your side the whole time. But if you find him, and you decide you want to be with him…" Faith pulled away slightly, locking eyes with the older girl, "I won't stand in your way, either…"

With a soft smile, Buffy kissed Faith lightly. "I love you, Faith…"

"Love you, too, B…" Moving away from Buffy, Faith made herself comfortable in bed. "How 'bout we get some sleep…"

"Yeah…" Buffy agreed with a nod and light giggle.

When Faith opened her arms to her lover, Buffy immediately snuggled back into them, enjoying the intimacy they now shared. She hated fighting with Faith, but once they were back to cuddling, she knew everything would be okay…

So with a smile and a goodnight kiss, the two Slayers fell fast asleep in one another's arms…

* * *

"Honey, have you seen my coat?!" Spike called, still searching the closet for his trademark leather duster.

His life had changed considerably since he had lost Buffy. For two years, he had been living with his new love, Samantha. Sam was a beautiful, confident, strong woman in her late thirties… She was also the mother of three children. At fifteen, Krystal was the eldest… And a handful. She was rebellious, had difficulty making friends… Which was really nothing new to Spike, considering all the time he'd spent with Dawn over the years… The two youngest were twins, Aiden and Alana. At only four years old, they had instantly bonded with Spike and, for the most part, he was the only father they had ever known…

Most of the time, he was happy here… But there were still those moments when he could think of nothing other than Buffy. In fact, last night had been one of those times. A time when he would dig out the old pictures of his ex, and cry for hours. Sometimes, he would write in a journal he'd kept since the day she'd walked away. There were times he missed her more than he'd ever thought possible. There were times when he was furious with her for walking away. There were times he wished he had never met her… But through it all, he never stopped loving her.

And he never would…

"Honey?!" he called once more, spinning around as he closed the closet doors.

When he glanced up, he met with Sam's teary eyes. She looked so torn apart, standing there in front of him… She was completely vulnerable, and all he wanted to do was take her into his arms and comfort her. But something was keeping him from doing it…

"Do you have any idea how much this hurts?" Sam questioned, her tears flowing freely as she stared intensely at the man she loved.

It was at that moment that Spike realized exactly what he had done wrong. Grasped tightly in her right hand, Sam held a picture of Buffy. One he had pulled out the night before… And had apparently left out. Which was something he did far more often than he should have. And each time it hurt Samantha all the more.

When it came to Spike's relationship with Buffy, Sam had never been particularly confident in herself. Though she was beautiful, she failed to understand why in the world Spike would have chosen her over the pretty blond. Despite Spike's assurance that she was just as beautiful as Buffy, Sam simply couldn't shake the feeling that she would never live up to Spike's expectations… And when she found the girl's pictures lying around her house, it only magnified her feelings of insecurity.

"Sam, honey…" Immediately, he moved to her, his eyes reflecting regret as he attempted to take her into his arms gently. "I'm so sorry…"

When he touched her, however, she pulled away. "Every time…" she murmured, tears slipping slowly from her eyes. "Every time I think you're over her, I find this! Why can't you just let her go, Will?! Do you really think so little of me, that you're going to let me suffer like this for the rest of my life?!"

"Sam, it's not like that… I love you…" Spike pleaded, placing a gentle hand on her elbow; obviously hurt when she pulled away once more.

"Well, you know, sometimes I just don't feel that anymore." she argued, her voice filled with pain as she crossed her arms over her chest defensively. When she saw how wounded he looked, her expression immediately softened and she sighed deeply. "Look, William, I know you love me, and I know you love the kids… but it really does hurt to know that you don't love us with your whole heart. And that you probably never will. I mean, come on… We've been together for two years! And it's been three since she left you! Can't you just let her go?"

"It's not that easy…" Spike told her softly, taking a seat at the kitchen table; Sam sitting next to him after a moment and watching him expectantly. Gently, he took her hand in his and squeezed it lightly. "Sam, honey, I know my feelings for Buffy hurt you, but I can't just make them disappear. Trust me, I've tried that… It doesn't work that way. Buffy was the first woman I ever truly loved, and that's not something I can just let go of. And it's not something I want to let go… I'm sorry, Sam, but I love her, and I always will. I won't just let her go. Not completely… Not the way you want me to…"

For a moment, she remained silent; staring blankly at their joined hands. Then, her eyes met his and she sighed once again. "Will, I think maybe we need a little time apart…" she told him, pulling her hand from his. When she saw the hurt in his eyes, she almost regretted her decision. "Look, I'm not saying it's over… I'm just saying we need a little time to sort this whole thing out…"

"You're right…" he agreed reluctantly. "I'll go get some of my things together and find someplace to stay…"

* * *

"So…" Faith began, as she leaned against the kitchen counter. "How're you planning to find him?"

Sighing, Buffy turned to her. "Faith, look, I don't know--"

"Don't you dare!" Faith stopped her, glaring when she caught the hesitant tone in her lover's voice. "You are _not_ going to back out of this!"

"Faith, I don't think I can do it… I haven't seen him in years!"

"Damnit, Buffy! That doesn't matter!" Faith exclaimed, her voice shrill with anger. "You love him, and you need to sort this out! Otherwise, I'm gone!"

"Excuse me?!" Buffy questioned angrily. "Last night, was I just hearing things or did you promise me that no matter what happened, you'd be here beside me?!"

"No!" Faith argued loudly, throwing her arms out in exasperation. "I swore that I would stand by you when you went to see him in order to figure out exactly what it is you want! I am not going to spend the rest of my life playing second best to a man that you're never going to let go of without some sort of closure!"

For a moment, Buffy just stared at her blankly, unsure of how to answer. It was at that moment that she heard Dawn's voice break through her thoughts, saving her, at least for the moment…

"Knew we should've called first."

The familiar voice immediately put a smile on Buffy's face. It had been far too long since she'd seen her baby sister. Since Dawn had finished high school, and started college, her visits had been few and far between. Though she called almost every night, it wasn't the same as seeing her everyday. Now she knew exactly how her mother must have felt all those years ago when Buffy herself had taken off for college. When Dawn had gone away to college, Michael, her high school boyfriend of almost the entire two years, had followed her there, and very recently, the couple had become engaged.

When Buffy turned to face her sister and Michael, her smile only grew at the sight of the couple who stood there, hand in hand. "Dawnie!" she squealed happily, before sweeping her sister into a bear hug. After releasing Dawn, she moved to hug Michael as well, though much more gently.

Once she had finished laughing at Buffy, Dawn moved to give Faith a hug; afterward shooting her a sympathetic smile. Dawn knew exactly what her sister's girlfriend had to endure, because, before Faith and Buffy had gotten together, Dawn had been the shoulder to cry on… And then, one day, Faith had finally made the decision that Buffy was going to tell her exactly what was bothering her, no matter what it took… And it had taken a lot. In fact, Faith had very nearly had to beat it out of the older Slayer… But once Buffy had finally let the floodgates open, she had fallen into Faith's arms, and from that moment on the couple had been all but inseparable. After they had gotten together, Buffy's spirits had quickly picked up and she had seemed happy again. Everyone who had initially objected (namely Xander and Giles) had reconsidered their position and had decided to accept the relationship. Still, as happy as the two appeared, Dawn knew that below the surface the past was relentlesslytorturing the two. Despite Buffy's love for Faith, Dawn knew that the love her sister felt for Spike was far stronger and always would be… Which was exactly why Dawn had never understood Buffy's decision to leave him… But when Buffy had made up her mind, there was no arguing with her…

Besides, Dawn wasn't exactly all too fond of Spike anymore, and she hadn't been since the day she'd discovered he had come back… Because she hadn't heard a word from him since…

"Buffy?" Dawn requested gently, pulling her sister's attention away from Michael. "Could I see you in the other room for a minute? Please…"

It took Buffy a moment to agree, but she quickly covered it up with an artificial smile and stepped into the living room, closely followed by her little sister. "What is it, Dawn?" she questioned in exasperation. She knew exactly what she was going to hear, and she simply didn't want to.

For a moment, Dawn just studied her sister carefully. It didn't take long for Buffy to cross her arms over her chest, the maneuverclearly adefensemechanism. "Why were you guys fighting in there?" When Buffy simply bit her lip and let her eyes fall to the floor, Dawn knew that her suspicions had been confirmed. "It was Spike again, wasn't it?"

"Dawn, I don't know what to do." Buffy sighed in defeat, as she fell back into the cushions of the couch, sadness suddenly sweeping over her pretty features. "Faith wants me to see him. She says I should go to him and sort this all out… Dawn, she's threatening to leave me."

With a sad, sympathetic smile, Dawn sat beside her sister. "Can you blame her?"

"I know, Dawn. I know that Faith has every right to hate me right now. I know that I'm the one who left him. I know that I'm not supposed to love him anymore… But I do. I can't help loving him the way I do. Dawnie, I miss him so much, and I know Faith's right about this, but I don't even know where to start looking…" Buffy told her sister, her voice desperate with emotion.

After a moment, Dawn's eyes met with Buffy's and she reached out and grabbed a pad and pen from the coffee table. Quickly, she jotted down a few short pieces of information, before handing it over to Buffy. "Start there. That's where he was the last time I called Angel. It's been awhile, so he may not be anywhere near there, but it's a start…"

And with that, Dawn stood and moved back out to the kitchen, leaving Buffy to sit and contemplate the information in her hands…

* * *

With a shaking hand, he raised the phone to his ear, and carefully dialed the numbers. As soon as he heard the first ring, he considered hanging up… However, when he glanced around, he saw nothing but the lonely hotel room that surrounded him, and he wanted nothing more than to be back home, with the family he had come to love… And as much as he wished he could erase Buffy from is mind, he knew that it would never happen. Not as long as he felt there was still some chance for the two of them…

So instead, he stayed on the line… waiting…

When he heard the familiar voice on the other end, he sighed, whether in relief of frustration, even he wasn't completely sure… "Angel… Yeah, it's me… Look, I need to find her… I understand that… All I'm looking for is a phone number… Please…" He knew his voice betrayed his desperation, but at that moment, he couldn't have cared less… He was going to go through with this…

Even if it killed him…

* * *

For a long time, Buffy simply sat, staring down at the paper in her hand… The paper that would eventually help to determine the rest of her life… Again, and again, she read it over.

This was it… If she dialed that number, and Spike was the one on the other line, there would be no turning back. Then again, she was pretty sure there was already no turning back… She held the key to everything she had ever wanted in the palm of her hand… Even she wasn't stupid enough to let that go… Not again, anyway…

So with trembling fingers, she carefully dialed the number on the paper in her hand. She was terrified… What if he didn't want to speak to her? What if he hated her for walking away? And what if he had moved on? Not that she would blame him for doing so… After all, she had done just that after she'd walked out on him…

After a few minutes, however, it became clear to her that no one was going to pick up… And it had Buffy very near to tears. With a frustrated sigh, she slammed down the phone, as she choked out an aggravatedlaugh. Then, after only moments of thought, she took off up the steps as quickly as she could.

When she came back through the kitchen, her pace hurried and a bag thrown over her shoulder, everyone looked at her as though she had lost her mind. At that moment, however, she couldn't have cared less. Her mind was made up, and she wasn't turning back…

"Where're you going?" Faith questioned, confused.

"New York." Buffy threw back over her shoulder. "Don't wait up."

When Faith turned her confused gaze on Dawn, the younger girl let a small smile slip. "She's going to find Spike…"

* * *

It had taken him a long time to convince Angel to give him Buffy's information, and now that he had it, Spike simply sat and stared at the phone. For hours, he just sat there, unsure of exactly how he should go about this… Though it had taken a lot for him to realize it, he knew now that he wanted nothing more than to see her again. Even if it was only to be sure it was over. He needed closure, and there was only one way to get it…

"Fuck this." he spat, standing and grabbing his duster from the back of the chair. There was only one way to do this, and it sure as hell wasn't over the phone…

Grabbing his car keys as he threw open the door, Spike walked briskly down the hall to the elevator. There he waited impatiently, all the fears and emotions rushing through him making him all the more irritable. With a low growl, he hit the button again, his foot tapping loudly on the hard wood floor. Just as he was about to turn and go for the stairs, the doors in front of him slid open, and there before him stood…

"Buffy?"

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	3. Chapter 2: Where You Want To Be?

Disclaimer: I own nothing…  
  
_Summary:_ Set about three years after the 'Angel' finale. Buffy finally finds out that Spike is alive, but can't handle the fact that he kept it from her, so she runs. Both do their best to move on, but they find that it's not as easy as it seems…  
  
_Rating:_ R  
  
_Author's Notes:_ Okay, so I actually found the time to finish a chapter… It's amazing… Sorry it's been so long. I've been busy with college and all… Essays, exams… It's been crazy… Anyway, I hope you like this chapter. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it, but I'm always like that… Also, thanks to everybody who reviewed…  
  
_Distribution:_ If ya want it, take it, just give me credit… And, if ya could, let me know where it's going.

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Chapter 2: Where You Want To Be?

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When she saw him standing there before her, she couldn't believe it… At the very least, she had expected to be given a night to prepare for this. She had thought that she would get there, check into a hotel, and in the morning, she would go out and find the address Dawn had given her…

But here he was…

"Spike?" she questioned softly, tears suddenly rushing to her eyes. She did everything she could to hold them back. She was _not_ going to cry in front of him. Not now.

When he saw her eyes well, he wanted nothing more than to gather her into his arms and hold her close until those tears faded… But he couldn't do that. After all, he hadn't been the one to leave. It had been her, and now it had to be her again. He refused to be the one to make the first move…

"Buffy?" he choked out, his voice heavy with emotion.

"Hi…" she murmured meekly, her eyes meeting his only briefly before dropping to the floor. Already, she felt the need to run… This was going to be a lot harder than she had originally thought…

"Buffy…" his voice was soft and gentle, though confused. "What're you doing here, love?"

Upon hearing him call her 'love', she let a tiny smile slip onto her lips, and once again she met his eyes. "I'm not sure, really. I just… I know that after what I did to you, you probably didn't ever want to see me again, but I really just need to talk to you."

Her eyes were pleading and she looked to be near tears, which was something he had never been able to handle particularly well. As much as he wanted to, however, he didn't move to take her into his arms. They weren't together anymore. They hadn't spoken in nearly three years… It wasn't his place to offer comfort… But he knew he, too, needed to speak with her… There were a lot of things they needed to discuss… A lot of issues that needed to be worked through, before the two of them could go back to the lives they were trying to lead. So instead, he simply gave her a gentle smile and tilted his head in the direction of his room.

Grateful, Buffy followed, a soft smile touching her own lips…

* * *

For a long time, the two simply sat, staring at one another; neither knowing where to start…

Finally, it was Spike who broke the silence. "So… Have you been seeing anyone?" Sure, the question was forward, but he needed to know…

Suddenly, she looked more nervous than she had earlier. Her eyes darted everywhere but to his face, and she was rocking back and forth just slightly. "Yeah… I have actually." Her voice was anything but confident. "I've been with Faith for almost two years now…"

"Faith?" he questioned, in slight confusion. "You mean Faith… The other Slayer, Faith… The one I met before Sunnydale collapsed?" When she nodded in affirmation, his only reaction was a simple, "Wow…"

"Yeah… Wow…" Buffy agreed, nodding her head slowly and continuing to avoid his eyes. Somehow, in her rush to find him, she had completely forgotten that it would be necessary to inform him of her relationship with the brunette Slayer… Someone Spike had never exactly gotten along with…

After a moment of prolonged, awkward silence, Spike broke it with a quiet, "So…", which made things no less awkward for Buffy.

Still, she was silent… Unsure of what to say. What do you say after telling your ex that you've been sleeping with another woman… Especially a woman who used to be one of your worst enemies… Not exactly something that's going to bode well for her relationship with Spike.

It didn't take her long to snap out of it, however, once she realized that he had yet to answer the same question. "What about you?" she asked then, her eyes finally raising to meet with his. "Are you seeing anyone?"

Again, the air was filled with a short uncomfortable silence, until Spike broke it very reluctantly. "Yeah…" He nodded; his words quiet. "Her name's Sam. Been with her for about two years. She's got three kids… Krystal, Aiden, and Alana. They're pretty much my life now."

"Wow…" It was the only reply that came to her mind, and she immediately smiled shyly and ducked her head when she caught his duplicate smile. She had missed him so much… But it was certainly not a comfortable situation by any means.

"Hard to believe, huh? Me, a daddy? Don't think anybody saw that one coming." he replied with another, more confident smile and a light chuckle.

Ducking her head shyly once more, she fidgeted slightly with her hands. "I did…" When he gave her a curious look, she smiled lightly, tears quickly forming in her eyes. "I mean, I didn't foresee _this_, exactly… Obviously… But I used to dream about it. About us… Having a family. A little girl with your eyes and my hair… And a little boy with your curls and my nose… Every night I dreamt about it. About the two of us having a normal little family, in a house with a white picket fence…" For a moment she paused, her eyes lifting to lock with his. "Did you ever wish for that?"

When he was silent, his eyes soft with sympathy, she laughed lightly, a hint of bitterness breaking through. "Or maybe I was the only one who saw it… Who wanted it… Because I did you know? More than anything, I wanted it… But we were never given that chance. Probably never will be. Especially now… But I wanted it…" For a short moment, she paused, looking thoughtful, and then, out of nowhere, she locked eyes with him, her voice turning soft and questioning. "Are you where you want to be?"

There was so much sadness in her voice… So much pain it her eyes… It tore him apart to see her this way. To watch her sitting there in front of him and know that nothing could come of them… Not ever again. Now, in his new life, he was happy. Of course there were times when he missed her like crazy. Who wouldn't? She was strong, beautiful, confident… She was everything he had ever wanted… But so was Sam. And Sam hadn't been the one to walk out on him. For years she had stuck by him, helping him through his pain as best she could and he owed her for that… And the kids… He couldn't just leave them all behind to run into the arms of his former love… He _couldn't_…

But that didn't stop him from wishing…

"Buffy, I love her." He began gently, his voice sympathetically soothing. "Maybe not as much as I love you, but I do love her. And I owe her too much to just walk out now…"

"So you're settling…" she stated, her voice cold and unfeeling. "You're settling for her because you couldn't have me… Well, guess what, Spike! I'm right here! I'm here and I love you, and I want you to come back to me…"

"This isn't only about _you_, Buffy! It's so much more than that!" he exclaimed angrily, propelling himself from his seat and beginning to pace rapidly across the floor. "This time, for me, it has to come back to Sam… And have you even considered how Faith is going to feel?! Honestly, Buffy, I thought you were over this 'it's-all-about-me' phase. I have been helping this woman raise three children. I have been by her side for two years. I have been doing everything in my power to help her out of the depression that she fell into after her husband died… I love her! Buffy, you may not like it, but this time, yes… This time, I'm settling… I can't just leave her."

Angrily, Buffy stood; stepping into his path and stopping him in his tracks. "You think I haven't considered how Faith is going to feel about this?! I've spent the last two years keeping myself from hunting you down simply because of the pain it would've caused her! I tried everything, _everything_ to keep you off of my mind and out of my heart, but no matter what I did… No matter how hard I tried, you were always there! Every night I would dream about you… About that night… About where you were… About us… About what could've been… Every night you were there, haunting my dreams! _Every night_!" she exclaimed, her tears on the verge of pouring down her pretty cheeks. Suddenly, her voice got quiet and her eyes dropped to the floor as she murmured her final argument, her body dropping limply to the couch behind her. "I don't know if I can live without you…"

When he heard her say those words, his eyes fell to the ground as they clouded with tears. He knew exactly how she felt. Knew what it was like to want nothing more than to let go, because the one you loved was incapable of returning that love. Knew what it was like to lose the only person in the world who meant more to you than anything… And he knew that he was ripping her heart to shreds right now… He loved her more than anything and the fact that there was nothing he could do to keep himself from hurting her right now killed him… But no matter how much he loved Buffy, he couldn't walk out on Sam… Not now…

"Don't say that." he murmured softly, looking up at her.

As she finished wiping away the tears that were spilling down her cheeks, her eyes swept up to meet his. What else could she say? It was exactly what she was feeling. "I know you don't want to hear this, and I swear I'm not trying to guilt you into giving in, it's just… I miss you, Spike. And I hate this. I hate knowing that it's my fault you're gone. That I'm the one who broke your heart and walked away, and now it's too late. I love you so much, and yet I pushed you away… Pushed you into the arms of another woman, and I can't take that back anymore, no matter how much I want to… You're in love with her, and I missed my chance. I get that…"

As she finished speaking, she slowly stood, wiping violently at the tears that kept spilling from her eyes. Straightening her clothes and gathering her bearings, she quickly made a move for the door, and the moment she did, Spike's hand shot out to stop her; latching on to her arm and holding her there.

"Where're you going?" he questioned gently.

"This was a mistake." she told him; her tone firm, though her eyes betrayed her. "I never should've come here… Never should've thought this could work. I had this fantastic idea in my head that I'd knock on your door, and you'd sweep me into your arms and kiss me senseless and we wouldn't need words. Like this was some damn fairytale fantasy, and your life wouldn't have changed a bit, and you'd just be sitting here waiting for me to run back into your arms… God! How stu--"

She didn't get the chance to finish what she was saying, as Spike pulled her into his arms and kissed her deeply. Immediately, she fell against him, returning the kiss with enthusiasm. However, it didn't take long for her to realize exactly what was happening and once she had, she quickly pulled away from him, her eyes wide with question. Hadn't he just gotten through telling her that they could never be? And now here he was kissing her breathless and holding her like she was everything.

"What _is_ this?!" she questioned, her voice full of hurt and anger. If this was just some attempt at revenge, she wasn't going to take it. If he was going to kiss her like that, it was damn sure going to mean something, because she refused to be taken advantage of. Not now. Not with him. Not when she loved him more than her own life…

For a moment, his eyes registered shock, and then they dropped to the floor, as he suddenly became aware of what exactly he had just done. He hadn't meant to do that… Not that he hadn't wanted to more than anything, but he refused to lead her on. As much as he loved Buffy, Sam was his world now…

"I'm sorry…" he quickly amended softly. "I shouldn't have… I didn't mean to… God, Buffy, I'm sorry…"

Gently, she pressed her fingers against his lips to silence him. She didn't want an apology; she wanted an explanation… "What _is _this?" This time her voice was soft, gentle… pleading. She needed to know…

"God… I don't know…" he told her, choking back the tears that threatened to overcome him. "All I know is I miss you. I miss you, and I want you, and love you… But I can't have you. Not like this. Not now… And it's killing me…"

She watched as he collapsed onto the couch; head back, arm thrown across his eyes… And in that moment, she couldn't quite understand exactly what he was telling her, because he was here and she was standing right in front of him and all she knew was that he had just told her that he missed her and he wanted her and he loved her…

"Why?" her voice was soft, soothing, as she sat beside him, reaching for his hand and pulling it away from his eyes; holding it is hers. "Why not like this? Why not now? Spike I know you love me… I love you, too. And I know you've moved on… I know you have a brand new life now. So do I… But why not tonight? Just tonight… All I'm asking for is one night… One chance to show you that I really do mean it when I tell you I love you…" Gently, she kissed the palm of his hand; her fingers coming to rest on his cheek, her thumb gently caressing. "One night, Spike… Just one… Let me show you…"

Strangely, the emotions in his eyes weren't nearly as conflicting as she had thought they would be. It only took a moment before his eyes swept up to meet hers, and all she saw there was vulnerability. After a moment, he took a deep breath, before letting a tiny smile slip onto his lips.

"Do you really mean it?" The question was soft, his voice full of the insecurities that he had held inside for nearly four years… Ever since Sunnydale had collapsed around him… "Do you really love me?"

With a small smile of her own, she scooted closer to him; her lips brushing his softly. "More than life itself… Now let me show you…" she murmured against his lips, before she closed the distance between them once more; this time kissing him with everything she had in her. It was slow and sweet and at the same time passionate and demanding as she moved to straddle him, pressing her body to his; begging him to let her in.

When she felt him pushing her away just slightly, she let him go; preparing herself for the worst, fully expecting him to push her off of him and order her out of his life forever. She was surprised, however, when his hands held firmly to her hips and kissed her gently once more in reassurance.

"Bedroom." he murmured softly, as he reached up to brush her hair from her eyes; his hand coming to rest at her cheek. "Not gonna make love to you for the first time here on some crummy couch… I want it to be perfect…"

Tears filled her eyes, and she turned her head just slightly to kiss his palm once more; a smile lighting her pretty features. "I love you…" she whispered, resting her forehead against his.

"Love you, too, baby… Always…"

* * *


	4. Chapter 3: Unlovable

Disclaimer: I own nothing…

_Summary:_ Set about three years after the 'Angel' finale. Buffy finally finds out that Spike is alive, but can't handle the fact that he kept it from her, so she runs. Both do their best to move on, but they find that it's not as easy as it seems…

_Rating:_ R

_Author's Notes: _Okay, so, I know I've been gone forever, but let me tell you, it paid off. Finals are finally over and I came back with a 3.6 overall my first semester at college… Definitely worth it. Now, though, I've got a whole 5 weeks before classes start up again, and I plan to use it to get another chapter of _Concrete Angel _out, and maybe another one of this… We'll see how it goes… And I know thischapter sucks, but I got sick of revising it, so here it is (It's been written for months). I'm not satisfied with it, but I give up...

Also, Merry Christmas everyone!!!! It's been a great day… I was finally able to watch my _Tru Calling_ DVDs… Technically, I've had them since the day they came out, but I'm broke 'cause I'm a college student and therefore, I'm always broke, so my parents agreed to buy them… If I waited to watch them until Christmas… I do have them all on tape already, though, so it wasn't that big a deal, I guess…

Alright I'm done ranting now, I swear… Oh, and, to Beth, actually, the fic was inspired by that exact song… Thank you for picking up on that… I can't believe I forgot to mention it before… I love Martina McBride, and I just had to use that song. Also, I doubt anyone's noticed, as I'm only a few chapters in and I doubt too many people are familiar with "Where You Want To Be" and "Unloveable", but the chapter titles are all Savage Garden/Darren Hayes song…

_Distribution:_ If ya want it, take it, just give me credit… And, if ya could, let me know where it's going.

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**Chapter 3: Unlovable**

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* * *

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The next morning, he awoke to feel of her lips traveling down his neck; nipping and kissing, and when he opened his eyes, there she was. A small smile touched his lips as she murmured a soft "Good morning", before returning her attention to hisneck, her lips slowly moving lower.

For a moment, he let her continue; his mind not yet awake enough to register that this wasn't a dream. Not this time. This time it was real. She was here with him, and she loved him… They had just spent a wonderful night together, making love. It was something he had been dreaming of for years. Something he had wanted more than anything…

But it was wrong…

He was finally drawn from his own personal heaven when he felt her tongue dip into his navel and he suddenly realized exactly where she was going. With a gentle hand, he tugged lightly at her pretty blond hair; pulling her attention to his eyes. "Buffy, pet, we need to stop." he murmured; his voice easily betraying him.

"Why?" she questioned, pouting slightly; all innocence, as her hand moved lower to grip him loosely. Gently, she stoked him; watching as his eyes fell shut and he let out a quiet gasp. "I know that's not what you really want… So why should I stop?" Her lips returned to his neck, this time moving up, across his sharp cheekbone, stopping just before she reached his mouth. "Just _feel_, baby."

With that, her lips met his in a soft, gentle kiss, which slowly turned passionate… Until he broke away almost violently, refusing to turn back to her. "Buffy, we have to stop this. _Now_. It can't happen again…"

Immediately, she backed off; suddenly realizing exactly how serious he was. Pain was suddenly obvious in her eyes, as she pushed herself away from him; as far away as she could get. "This isn't happening…" she murmured; tears floodingher eyes as she reached for the sheet, covering herself almost frantically. "It can't be… How could you do this to me?!" she demanded as the tears began to slip. "You said you loved me and now… Now you're just gonna push me away?! Why?! What _is _this?! Is it revenge? For everything I did to you? Why would you do this to me?!"

"Do this to _you_?!" he exclaimed, pushing himself off the bed and searching for his pants; pulling them on immediately. "I just spent the night with you… A woman who's _not_ Sam… Do you have any idea what this would do to _her_?!"

"But it's okay for you to fuck me and then toss me aside like I'm nothing?! It's okay for you to rip out my heart just to watch me bleed?!"

Upon hearing her words and seeing her tears, his features quickly softened. "Pet, what we did last night… That was so much more than just fucking--"

"Well, right now, it sure as hell doesn't feel like it! Is that what this was about?! Showing me exactly how it feels to be used?! Getting back at me?!"

"Buffy, stop this! That has nothing to do with it! I love you! That's what last night was! We made love… But you said one night. _One_. I love you. You love me… But this can't ever happen again. We've both moved on with our lives, and we can't just turn away from that… I refuse to turn my back on Sam and the kids."

"I never should've come here…" she murmured; her voice heavy with emotion, as she pulled herself from the bed. With the sheet still wrapped tightly around her, she gathered her clothes, desperate to get away from him as quickly as possibly.

"Buffy, don't do this…" he begged as he grabbed her elbow gently. He couldn't let her walk away like this. Couldn't let her walk out believing that she had simply been a quick fuck.

"Don't _touch _me!" She spun on him then; the sheet clutched firmly to her chest. Tears streamed down her cheeks as she stared at him, fire in her eyes. She couldn't believe this was happening… She understood that he was with someone else, but she had thought that if he had been willing to sleep with her, that maybe she would have a chance… But it was becoming painfully obvious how important Sam was to him. And it didn't seem that she could change that… No matter how much she loved him.

"Buffy, please… Just hear me out."

Shaking her head slowly as the tears continued to flow from her eyes, she pulled on her clothes; keeping herself covered as well as she possibly could. She felt dirty; used… Just like he must have felt the year she'd come back… It was horrible…

"Goodbye, Spike…"

As he watched her walk out the door, he broke. How could he have done something so terrible to the woman he loved? He couldn't understand how he could have hurt her the way he had… She had been right all those years ago. He was nothing more than a monster...

While the tears streaked from his eyes, he collapsed to the floor. He had let her go… Again. He had let her walk out, and his damn pride wouldn't allow him to run after her… Because either way, he knew she wasn't coming back. Not after what he had just done to her…

He had lost her… Again…

* * *

As the door shut quietly behind her, she paused, trying her best to gain control. Leaning back, she covered her face with both hands, as she slowly let herself slide to the floor; her tiny frame shuddering with quiet sobs. It hurt her so badly, knowing that this was it… That nothing could bring him back to her, because someone else had already won his heart… She, of all people, knew that when Spike gave away his heart, he was lost. The man was the most devoted person she had ever met… When he fell, he fell hard…

And this time, she wasn't the one he wanted to be with…

Last night she should have just let it go… Let _him _go… But instead she had pushed. She had seduced him, and now she was left with nothing but a broken heart, and the memories they had once shared. He didn't love her anymore… Not the way she needed him to…

And he was right… She too had moved on. She had a wonderful life now... With Faith. The woman who loved her… So why was she so eager to find her way back into Spike's arms? There really was no reason for it. She was happy now. _Happy_. With Faith…

And even as she thought it, she knew it wasn't true. At least not completely. Her happiness relied on one person, and one person alone… Spike. The man she had abandoned all those years ago… The man she had left broken hearted…

What had she expected? That she would come back, and he would simply be sitting around waiting for her? Of course not… What more could he do but move on, let go? She hadn't given him any reason to believe that she would ever be coming back to him… So why would he hold on?

As the moments ticked on, her tears slowly died away. Not because it had stopped hurting, but because she was numb… She couldn't feel anything, save the fear of living without him. But she could no longer cry over it… The whole thing had been her doing, and that was something she needed to accept…

So with a heavy heart, she pulled herself from the floor. It was time to go home…

To the woman who loved her…

* * *

Carefully, Spike fought his way through the hordes of teenagers, moving very deliberately to the high school office. Sam had worked here for years. Long before he had ever met her. She was an office secretary. Always busy, but she loved her job… Especially now that Krystal was in high school. It gave her a chance to keep an eye on the rebellious teen.

"Sam, I need to talk to you." Spike told her, his voice almost desperate as he reached the desk she sat at. He needed to talk to her… He needed to tell her what had happened. Never once had he lied to her, and he certainly didn't plan on starting now… Not with this. If he kept it from her and she found out later, it would destroy her… He had to be honest… Now…

"Will, honey, could this wait?" she questioned, her eyes slipping over to the group of fourstudentssitting off to the side, waiting to be called into the office to have a chat with the principal. Sam didn't particularly trust the group, and she certainly didn't want to have a personal conversation in front of them.

"No, Sam, it really can't." he insisted.

For a moment, she simply stared at him, trying to read exactly what was so important. She could see how serious he was… She knew there was something wrong, but it didn't look like something they could handle here, in the middle of a crowded office full of high school kids. "William, could we please save this for later? I've got work--"

"I slept with her!" Spike cut her off, his voice cracking with emotion; tears clouding his eyes. "I left, and she was there, and I slept with her!"

All eyes were on Sam as everyone in the room, which suddenly entirely too tiny, awaited her reaction. Her mouth dropped open just slightly, and her eyes filled to the brim with tears. After the two years she had spent with him, she never would have believed him capable of such an act. And announcing it in front of everyone? What _was _that?!

Immediately anger swept over her, and she could think of nothing more to do than to hurt him. The slap rang across the silent room as her hand connected hard with his cheek. His head snapped to the side, and he stayed that way for a moment, fighting the tears that threatened to fall. Refusing to look back at her for fear of seeing exactly what he knew he would. Hurt…

When he finally did gather the courage to look her in the eye, all he could see was a mixture of pain and anger. Even after all the time they had spent together, he had never seen such a heartbreaking combination of emotions in her eyes… Then again, he had never before given her so much reason to hurt…

"Get out." she told him firmly; her voice steady and calm. She wanted him as far away from her as he could possibly get without falling off the edge of the earth. When he didn't respond, instead opting to stand his ground, her eyes hardened, and a tear slipped. "Get out!" she finally shrieked. "Get out of here, get out of my house, get out of my life. Get. Out." she finished harshly, punctuating her words very clearly as she pointed to the door behind him.

She didn't understand how he could've done such a thing. How he could have told her again and again that he loved her, only to run to the bed of his ex as soon as he was away from the house. In that moment, she couldn't stand to look at him… In that moment, she hated him. Absolutely and completely hated him. She had finally gotten over her husband's death, and she had believed that maybe, just maybe she had found a man who would love her and her children enough to stay… And now, he went and did something so completely unforgivable as cheating on her… It was one of the worst feelings she had ever experienced…

Finally, he turned away; walking out the door slowly, his head hung in shame, as he desperately fought the tears that were threatening to spill.

* * *

Hours ago, she had gotten home. Hours ago, she had locked herself away in the bedroom, begging Faith to give her some time alone… To let her work things out on her own. Hours ago, Faith had agreed reluctantly and stared after her as she climbed the steps slowly, all the energy drained from her.

Now she sat, curled in the corner of the room on a pile of pillows and blankets; arms wrapped tightly around her knees and her chin resting on them as she hugged herself tightly. From the moment she had gotten home, the tears hadn't stopped. They were silent, painful tears that slid from her eyes one at a time. She did not give way to the sobs that were threatening to overcome her. Instead, she sat; steady tears flowing as she stared off into the darkness surrounding her.

It hurt so badly to know that she was no longer the center of his world… To know that, despite his love for her, Spike had other obligations, which even she knew were far more important than her silly attempt at reclaiming the relationship they had only just begun so long ago. Because no matter how much she wished it were untrue, it was obvioushow much Sam meant to him. Maybe he even loved Sam… In fact, she knew he did. She had seen it in his eyes. Seen it rivaling his feelings toward her…

But last night it wasn't Sam who had won. Last night, she had won… Last night, everything he was had been hers… Because last night, he had made love to her, exactly as he always had, except this time, she had been right there with him… This time, she too had seen it… Felt it. The love he had for her was so strong… And yet, she was really starting to believe that it was over. That no matter how much they loved one another, they would never be able to make it work…

Because they had both moved on…

It had hurt so badly that morning, when he had pushed her away from him. She knew that when they had made love, it had meant the world to him… But that had done little to ease the pain.

As much as he loved her, she had been completely unable to feel it when he had pushed her away, swearing that it would never happen again. She still felt as though her heart had been ripped from chest… Was she unworthy of being loved without question? Was it too much to ask to give and receive love from the man she wanted to be with more than anything? Was it too much to love?

Why was it that every time she began to get close, she was left alone? It had happened with Angel, Parker, Riley… And now Spike… The only man she had ever truly fallen completely in love with… And he was gone…

It had been her own doing. She knew that… But it didn't stop the pain. In fact, it made it worse… Knowing that it was her own fault that every night he feel asleep in the arms of another woman… To know that she was the one responsible for their split in the first place.

All because she had been too stubborn to forgive him…

* * *

With tears in his eyes, Spike quickly gathered together everything he could think of that would be necessary for an indefinite amount of time away from home. He wanted to be long gone before Sam got home. As much as he loved her, he knew that, right now, she needed some space… And time. If she was going to recover at all from his incredibly stupid outburst, she was going to need a chance to cool off.

Besides, right now he wouldn't be able to face her anyway. Not after the way he had treated her. He was absolutely appalled at himself. Of course he had needed to tell her, but that certainly had been no way to do so. He had announced it in front of everyone. _Everyone_. Her colleagues; her students… Everyone…

At the exact moment that he had finished packing and was about to gather his things and walk out, he heard the front door open. Immediately, he heard the sweet sounds of Alana's giggling and for a moment, he allowed a soft smile to slip. Apparently, Grandma was bringing the kids home from preschool already. Really, he couldn't decide whether or not that was a good thing. He loved the kids more than anything, but right now, that only made it harder… How could he show up here again, only to walk out, leaving the two little ones behind? It broke his heart to know that he had to walk away from them again…

"Daddy!"

He heard Alana's excited voice and smiled again before turning to look at the little girl standing in the doorway, arms out; waiting for him. "Hey there, Princess." he murmured, moving toward her and scooping the child into his arms. Her soft, chestnut curls tickled his cheek and again he smiled. After just a moment of hugging her close, he walked her to the living room where her grandmother and brother sat on the couch, Aiden talking animatedly to his grandma who was listening intently.

"Where you going, daddy?" he heard Alana question around her thumb; her gaze locked on the door of the room they had just come from.

"What makes you think I'm going anywhere, Precious?" he asked curiously as he dropped a soft kiss on the top of her head.

"The coat." Aiden informed him, having been startled from his conversation by Alana's question. "You only where it when you leave."

"And the suitcase." Alana added, finally turning her big brown eyes on him; both wide and pleading as she watched him closely, waiting for his answer.

He sighed in defeat, and smiled sadly at each of them in turn. "Daddy's gotta go away for a few days, you two. I promise I'll be back as soon as I can."

"I don't want you to go…" Aiden complained, putting on an angry face and crossing his arms tightly over his chest; a pout making itself known.

Immediately, Spike felt guilty and he quickly moved to sit beside the child he thought of as his son, and put a comforting arm around the boy… When he saw Alana's lip begin to quiver, he broke and pulled them both closer, his own tears threatening to fall. Never before had he been forced away from these two children like this, and never would he have imagined it would be this hard. He loved them so much, and he didn't ever want to be away from them…

* * *

When she heard the door creak open, Buffy didn't so much as glance up. She knew exactly who was there, and she simply wasn't sure what to say… So instead, she sat; arms curled around her knees as she stared down at the floor, rocking just slightly. She didn't want to talk… What was there to say?

"Am I right in assuming that it didn't exactly go well?"

Faith's voice was gentle, but it cut her like a knife. Right now, she felt so guilty. Not only had she seduced Spike into cheating on the woman he loved, but she had done the same… And she knew that when she told Faith, she would be heartbroken… Even if she refused to show it…With tearful eyes, Buffy looked up to meet Faith's gaze. "Am I unlovable?" she questioned softly; voice full of pain.

"Oh, God, baby…" Faith murmured as she took in the trembling form of her lover. Quickly, she moved to Buffy's side; dropping to her knees beside her. Gently, she pushed the hair from Buffy's eyes, and wiped away a few stray tears. "That's not true at all…" she reassured the blond; tears forming in her own eyes as she moved to pull Buffy into her arms, as her quiet tears suddenly turned to heartbreaking sobs.

Immediately, Buffy collapsed against her, clinging tightly to Faith as she cried on her shoulder. "He didn't want me…" she mumbled. "I told him I loved him, and I needed him, and I wanted to be with him, and still, he didn't want me… He made love to me, but the moment he woke up with me in his bed, he wanted me gone…"

Upon hearing Buffy's words, Faith shut her eyes tightly; holding off her tears and pushing back the anger that gripped her. This had been her own doing. She had told Buffy to find him… Forced her to seek him out and she had promised that she would support her through anything… And she certainly didn't intend on breaking that promise…

"I'm so sorry…" Buffy murmured quietly; her voice breaking with emotion. "God, Faith… I'm so sorry…"

All Faith could do in that moment was hold her closer and swear to her that everything would be okay…

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	5. Chapter 4: Siberia

_Disclaimer: _I own nothing…

_Summary:_ Set about three years after the 'Angel' finale. Buffy finally finds out that Spike is alive, but can't handle the fact that he kept it from her, so she runs. Both do their best to move on, but they find that it's not as easy as it seems…

_Rating:_ R

_Author's Notes: _Wow… It's been _over_ a year since I've updated… Sorry about that. College has been keeping me busy, not to mention all the computer problems I've been having… Anyway, hope you enjoy this chapter… There are only a couple more left, I think, and hopefully I'll have a little extra time on my hands to work on it this semester, though I can't make any promises.

_Distribution:_ If ya want it, take it, just give me credit… And, if ya could, let me know where it's going.

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**Chapter 4: Siberia**

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"How's she doing?" Dawn's words were quiet, almost whispered as she sat across from Faith, sipping the cup of hot chocolate that sat in front of her on the table. 

Faith sighed heavily, her eyes swooping down to stare at her fidgeting hands. "She hates herself for letting him go; she hates herself for hurting me…" She paused for a moment, running her hands through her long, dark hair before raising her eyes to Dawn's. "She just hates herself…"

"It'll all work out okay, Faith." When Dawn reached over to squeeze Faith's hand lightly in reassurance, she saw the older girl's eyes swell with tears… A sight she was in no way accustomed to.

"You don't _know_ that!" Faith snapped, before hanging her head once more. "Dawn, she won't touch me… Won't come near me. She'll barely even _look_ at me, for God's sake! How am I supposed to get through to her if she doesn't want anything to do with me?"

When Dawn saw the way the older girl's face crumbled, her heart broke. Faith had been the best thing to ever happen to Buffy, and now… Now Buffy didn't want to have anything to do with her? Not to mention how much Buffy had done for the rogue Slayer. And now, here was Faith willing to do anything in her power to make their relationship work, and all Buffy was doing was pushing her away…

"I'll talk to her." Dawn told Faith gently, as she squeezed her hand once more in reassurance, before getting up and moving to Buffy's door.

* * *

The room was dark, brightened only by the soft moonlight which filtered through the window… And there sat Buffy, at the window, staring blankly out into the night. Dawn knew her sister had felt, if not heard her, enter the room, so instead of saying anything, she just stood there after shutting the door quietly behind her, waiting for her sister to speak…

"I'm not trying to hurt her, you know." Buffy said quietly, her eyes moving from the night sky to her hands. "I just feel so guilty for what I did to her, that I'm keeping her at arms length… Because I'm afraid I'll hurt her again… And don't want to do that. I love her… But I've seen what love can do to people. And I've seen it fail. And if I'm with her… I mean _really _with her, again… I'm terrified that I'll break her heart. And I don't want to do that, because I love her, and I know what it feels like to have your heart broken…"

"What is love, if not pain?" Dawn asked quietly, watching Buffy closely as the older girl let out a resentful laugh. "Buffy, it's the pain that makes it real… You made a mistake, yes, but it's not too late to fix it. Faith loves you, and she has completely forgiven you… So why do you keep pushing her away?"

"You think I haven't tried to make everything go back to the way it was!" Buffy exclaimed, turning her angry, pain filled eyes on her sister. "You think I want this! Newsflash, I don't! But what happens if Spike comes back! What happens if I see him again! I cheated with him once… Who's to say I won't do it again?"

"That's a load of crap, and you know it." Dawn told her callously, crossing her arms over her chest and staring down her stubborn sister. "You're just being selfish! Again! You can't have Spike because he doesn't want you anymore, because _you_ left him, and you think that gives you the right to be miserable and make everyone else miserable, too! Well guess what, Buffy – I'm sick of it! This isn't just about _you_! It affects Faith, too! If you don't want to be with her anymore, then tell her, damnit! Don't keep stringing her along like this, because she deserves better than that! I am sick and tired of you treating the entire world like crap because _you_ screwed up when you dumped Spike! Now get off your ass and _make _things better like the rest of us, because I am _through_ feeling sorry for you!" And with that, Dawn turned and stormed from the room, slamming the door behind her… And it was only a moment more before Buffy heard the front door slamming shut as well.

And it was then that the tears began flowing once more…

She knew Dawn was right. Dawn was always right… And Dawn wasn't afraid to tell her exactly what she thought about Buffy's actions… Which was probably the reason that, more times than not, Dawn was the only one who could get through to her. She knew she had to do something… Had to fix her life, one way or another… But she was terrified. What if she did nothing more than screw it all up again?

* * *

As Buffy stood in the doorway to the kitchen, her heart broke. There was Faith, sitting at the table, her head hung in her hands, and tears streaking down her cheeks. Faith had never been a crier. Not since day one… She covered pain with anger. It was what the younger Slayer had always done. Tears had never been an option for Faith… Not where love was concerned, anyway… And yet, here she was.

"Faith?" Her voice was gentle as she slowly moved toward the younger woman, taking a seat across from her. She watched as Faith wiped desperately at the tears she had shed, obviously making an attempt at hiding her pain. Buffy could almost see the walls go up as soon as Faith saw her standing there. And suddenly, the tears were gone, and there was nothing more than a cold glare. "I'm sorry…" Buffy murmured softly, her eyes locking with Faith's.

"Yeah." Faith's voice was bitter, as she tried to fight the tears that threatened to spill once more. "Well, guess what, B, sorry's not enough this time."

Buffy hung her head then, blinking away the tears that stung her eyes. "I love you, Faith." Her eyes rose once more to meet with her lover's, all the hurt she had tried to keep bottled inside clearly visible there. "I'm trying to tell you that I love you, and I'm sorry, and I want to make this all right. Faith, I want everything to go back to the way it was."

"For how long, Buffy?" The cold seriousness of her tone nearly broke Buffy's heart. "Until I try to touch you? Until he comes back again? For how long!"

When she reached for Faith's hand and the younger girl jerked away, Buffy's heart froze. How could they possibly get through this? It just didn't feel like it was going to work… "I think I should go see him again." Buffy stated calmly, her eyes wandering to her hands. "Just talk… Maybe try to sort some things out… I mean, I know he didn't mean it the way I took it or anything, but when I left there I felt like my heart had been completely ripped from my chest… And I think maybe if I saw him, and we talked, then maybe it would all go away… All this hurt… And then you and I would finally be okay again, and we could get on with our lives… Just you and me…"

For a moment, Faith was silent, and Buffy actually thought that she was considering it… Until, Faith looked her in the eye, barely constrained anger burning behind her gaze. "You go, and I'm gone."

The seriousness behind that statement terrified Buffy… But the fact was, she couldn't make things right in her life until she knew what Spike felt. She loved him. She had for a long time, and there was no way she could move on with her life until she knew that there was absolutely no chance for the two of them. Because, no matter how much she loved Faith, she knew in her heart that Spike was her soul mate. And that wasn't something she could just walk away from without a fight.

When Faith felt Buffy take her hand once more, she knew that the answer was not what she had been hoping for. And in her heart, she knew that she and the older Slayer simply weren't meant to be… Because Buffy's heart belonged to only one… And that was Spike. It always had been, and it always would be… And still, when she heard Buffy's whispered words, her heart broke all over again…

"I _have_ to go…"

* * *

Gently, Sam ran her fingers over the cover of the photo album that she had just snapped shut, trying her best to keep her tears at bay. She felt like such a fool. She had given him her love and her trust, and for what? To have her heart torn out because he couldn't get over the woman she had always known he loved more than her. It was her own fault, and she knew it. It had been stupid of her to get involved with a man who was still holding on to his former love… And yet, she had done it. Willingly. Because he was charming and attractive, and amazing with her children… Because he was everything she had ever wanted, and the only man she'd had any interest in since she had lost her husband. But, clearly, she shouldn't have let him into her life or her heart…

"You're not gonna throw them all away, are you?"

Sam smiled at the tiny voice her eldest was using. She hadn't heard Krystal so quiet in a long time. "I was thinking about it, yeah." Sam answered with a sad smile, as she turned her eyes to her daughter. "Why?"

"I just don't think you should." Krystal's voice remained quiet as she glanced down at her feet, crossing her arms over her chest defensively, a tear she was clearly trying to hide escaping to slip smoothly down her cheek.

"Krys, sweetie, what's wrong?" Sam asked gently, patting the bed beside her in invitation to her daughter, who accepted gratefully and took a seat next to her mother. "I thought you hated him?"

"I lied…?" The statement came out sounding almost like a question, and Sam looked at her daughter curiously, waiting for her to continue. "I hated the fact that I liked him… If that makes any sense at all. It was like, dad had just died, and all of a sudden there was this new guy in our lives, and I actually liked him… But I didn't feel like I should, ya know? It felt like I was betraying dad… But I liked him a lot. I mean, when I got in trouble, he would help me, and when I just needed someone to sit there and listen while I'd rant, he would… He was a really good guy…"

"Yeah… A really good guy, who cheated on me…" The pain in her voice was obvious as she fought away the tears that had been threatening all day.

"But didn't you tell him that it was over until he figured things out with Buffy?"

"You knew her name."

It wasn't really a question, and her mother really didn't seem particularly surprised, but Krystal felt guilty nonetheless. "He used to talk about her a lot. To me. He said she saved the world… I didn't really know what he was talking about most of the time, but it just seemed like he needed someone to listen. It was like he knew he could never be with her, but it just didn't matter, because he loved her so much that as long as he knew she was okay, he would be, too, ya know? And I never had the heart to be angry with him for that, because _she's_ the one who left him, and I know I would kill for a man who was that devoted to me… And I know you deserve better than a man who's stuck in the past, but I _liked_ him…

And he's all Aiden and Alana have ever known, and he's a great dad… So I really didn't know what to do."

"It's not your fault, sweetie." Sam told her gently, as she put a reassuring arm around her daughter. "I'm not blaming you for anything. I understand how you felt… And you're right, I am the one who told him to figure it out… I just never thought he'd actually pick her over me… I pretty much set myself up for failure here…"

"But maybe you didn't." Krystal told her quietly.

"What are you talking about Krys? He chose her."

"But how do you know that?" Krystal asked, looking at her mother curiously. "I mean, he came back to you. He told you. Maybe he wasn't saying he was going back to her. Maybe he was just trying to clear the air between the two of you… Because he doesn't want any secrets between you."

"I still couldn't be with him, Krys." Sam told her daughter gently. "He betrayed me. All I wanted him to do was _talk_ to her. Make a decision. Not _sleep_ with her."

"I get that, mom… I just think, maybe, that you should at least hear him out…"

Looking up at her daughter, tears obvious in her eyes, Sam smiled sadly. "I just don't think I can…" For a moment she paused, trying her best to blink back her tears. "It's a terrible feeling… When the one you love doesn't want you…"

* * *

By the time Faith got home the next day, she was gone. Nothing left but the note on her pillow that read:

_You know I had to go._

_We'll talk when I get back._

_I love you._

_-Buffy_

And that was the moment Faith knew it was over.

It was a hard fact to realize. That she had been living a lie… From the very beginning. But she had been, and she knew that now. Because no matter what she did, and how much she loved, there would always be that shadow of what could have been for Buffy… And as long as Spike was still alive, it would never end. Because Buffy loved one, and only one… And that one would never be her.

So with tears in her eyes, she climbed into bed, and let the cover of darkness lull her into a restless sleep.

* * *

_When you come back I won't be here_

_She said and gently pulled me near_

_If you wanna talk you can call_

_No it's not your fault_

_I just smiled and said let go of me_

_Now there's something I just gotta know_

_Did someone else steal my part?_

_She said it's not your fault_

_Then my heart did time in Siberia_

_Was waiting for the lie to come true_

'_Cause it's all so dark and mysterious_

_When the one you want doesn't want you too_

_I was drifting in between_

_Like I was on the outside looking in_

_In my dreams you are still here_

_Like you've always been_

_Then my heart did time in Siberia_

_Was waiting for the lie to come true_

'_Cause it's all so dark and mysterious_

_When the one you want doesn't want you too_

_I gave myself away completely_

_But you just couldn't see me_

_Though I was sleeping in your bed_

_Someone else was on your mind_

_In your head_

_When I came back she wasn't there_

_Just a note left on the stairs_

_If you wanna talk give me a call_

_Then my heart did time in Siberia_

_Was waiting for the lie to come true_

'_Cause it's all so dark and mysterious_

_When the one you want doesn't want you too_

* * *


End file.
